Your own best friend

Is it hard to become your own best friend?  Have you tried ever?

I tried once, and I stumbled. More or less, it was a catastrophe to be honest. I became critical to myself. My every attempt to a new venture pushed back to uncertainty. I second guessed on everything I did. At times, it drained me. The idea of becoming self-reliant came to bits. Mindfulness ran to the opposite direction, and as fast as it could. It was bizarre to think and expect this kind of outcome from someone who is optimistic. Well, what you know?! Apparently, there is also a downsize of being optimistic. Giving up is a hard pill to swallow, if you know what I am talking about. Imperfection become a showpiece as I become my own friend. Holy cow! I better unfriend myself before I buries myself deep inside.

One thing for sure, I have never become so self-aware of my doings. Good or bad. Surprisingly, this was a crucial turn to my improvements. People often say we can’t binge on diversion. I say, sometimes, diversions are necessary to keep our sanity in check. Success can’t be built on success. It has to be built on disappointments, frustrations and often failure. Leadership 101 tells me the ability to see yourself as others see you, is the key to flourish, as a leader. Unwarily, I was stepping out of my comfort zone. My failures never appeared to be this satisfied and I seek every challenge as a new opportunity to conquer. Overcoming it with marginal adjustment.  I am a big fan of TEDTalks, as some of you may are.  And I learnt about improving yourself through an incremental, marginal adjustment, from one of their talk shows. Gratifyingly, it worked. My new goals now become more realistic, attainable.

In our business school, we called it a Kaizen mindset, meaning, there is always a room for improvement, in any process, functions or with anything you do, may it be a business, healthcare or in real life. I was in the same continuous, self-improvement page. Unknowingly, my productivity was soaring up.

My aspirations were never meant to preempt “me” from making a connection with human friend. There is no replacement for a real companion with whom you can share, rely on in moments of crisis, and celebrate meaningful life events. However, embracing myself without neglecting my inner power was just too profound, after all nobody knows me better than myself. One can only contribute to a hundred percent, if you are whole-self. How can you pour from an empty jar??

To some magnitude, building the process of how to trust myself, my intuition, never looked so aligned not just to my head, heart and gut, but also to my own convictions. Nevertheless, nobody likes to walk down the unconventional path. Perhaps my culture may also have suppressed my personality. Time and again, I have nominated myself to a protected daughter, sister, wife and now a mother. My mindset is so used to being in an autopilot mode- soft-spoken, gentle, non-confrontational, compliant, accommodating and submissive. There was no chance of me being assertive. Under such circumstances, trusting myself, without having somebody constantly validating and guarding me, was inconceivable. As a true friend, I accepted my own strengths and weaknesses. I was sort of doing my own SWOT (strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats) analysis. Undisputedly, having me as my own friend succored me to improve in my personal development immensely.

Learning how to like, love and, trust myself was the hardest thing I have ever done. I live now in a big, different shift of life. I have outgrown my fear, insecurities, perpetual emptiness and pernicious perception of myself. Today, I speak my mind fearlessly. I do not judge anyone with a common metrics because I am different than you. I came to realize, when we are in dark period, we are not necessarily buried. We actually were planting. Planting, to create a lasting impact in this world because change should start with me and I should believe in me, first.

The intuitive mind is a sacred gift and the rational mind is a faithful servant. We have created a society that honors the servant and has forgotten the gift. — Albert Einstein

Beyond Happiness

It seems to be an absolutely imprecise thing to be talking about happiness with so much of the darn COVID's chaos going on. Isn’t it?? How we all have had planned this year to begin with, and here we are stuck in our four walls, learning how to embrace it. YIKES!!! Confinement can never equate to being lively. Amidst the COVID mayhem, so much to accept to this surrounded craziness, staying happy seems to be off the chapter to be alluding. We all know that as much as pain is inevitable, so is happiness. Nothing stays permanent. Wound heals. Memories fades. Life goes on. Does it?? It doesn’t. Suffering is an optional, pain is not.

I define my happy moment now as I am living gracefully with my good health and well-being. My definition of happiness may not be the same for another member in my family, for instance my son, or my neighbor. But again, how do you define happiness that is so intangible? And suppose even if you do, how do you know what you are defining, is correct? How can one quantify to someone else’s range of being optimistic, delightful, triumph, gratified, contended, honored, comforted, productive etc. I know my mind is dwelling.

Last week, I read one post on human behavior, shared on LinkedIn by one of the healthcare executives. It was about the people who are happy to go personality types. Those people as defined by the author are missionaries, driven by passion, and illustrated in depth, about how they influence the world around them. For the entire day, somehow, I got captured in the essence of the post. In general, I have noticed, people who are happy, are the givers type, and they influence the generations to come. Happy people inspire others to believe in the impossible, in themselves, and to become the very best version of themselves. These are again the rare breeds, hard to find and no money can ever buy.

It is also true, behaviors are malleable. Perhaps, my mind wandered, if the behavior can be modified to make one, how can I contribute to make my personal path to well-being of others, to befit as the author described.  I was willing to vest my time to become creative and find courage to change mine and others life in a positive way. Or perhaps, how do I change my environment in ways that increase the likelihood where I do not have to consciously reinforce myself to stay happy. Anyway, I couldn’t reassure without imagining myself in the author’s story. This may ridicule you but I learned this from my children, how to pretend play. As I delve deep, I found my answers.

I must admit that we face enormous pressure now than ever before in our lives. For the most parts, mainly for inessential things, for example, we have become more brand conscious now than ever, vacating in five-star international resort to consuming organics, to sending children to high ticketed private school, to picking the most lucrative careers. But we cannot disregard the fact that our lives materialize in this social context, and we do want to portray a pristine image of ourselves, among our families, neighbors in their conversations, yet we know inside that is nearly impossible to escape the judgmental route, no matter how hard we try. The price to pay to maintain a fine societal figure are pretty despairing. We live with a wrong impression that major life events bring our happiness. Unwittingly we are chasing, one thing after another, be it a marriage, children, higher education, a promotion, new house, new car, etc. We wandered around us, searching for it day-after-day, when the door to the sanctuary is inside us. Time and again, I have also seen people defined their state of happiness based on the thoughts of others, while many compare themselves with others. Ironically, as and when they do that, I have also seen them losing a little bit of themselves each time, becoming all the more vulnerable. In more complicated and subtle ways, we engage in this kind of behavior more than we would like to admit.  Acceptance is very hard to cultivate. Why should we try to fit ourselves into the standards defined by others? Knowing each of our lives were brought and raised with different approach and perhaps the different circumstances. A flower does not think of comparing itself to the flower next to it. It just blooms. Isn’t that true??

Backtracking happiness, it is found in doing of what we are passionate about. It is also about building a connection that are meaningful to us, be it a deep conversation, being open to ourselves and to the people who matters to us, or keeping your authenticity-being yourself or maintaining your own personal brand. I have also noticed, often people who have lost everything are more willing to share. Happiness equates people but not the material possessions. To become a happy person, we should seek to become a person of value.  In fact, until we become valuable, we can never become successful and happy. The best kind of happiness is making others happy. This was the message the author I mentioned earlier, was trying to convey. This was also sort of domino effect. Like when we walk in a grocery store, and smile and greet a stranger, we get a smile back with a kind “thank you” gesture. Understanding the deeper purpose of life is important to keep the same momentum of happiness, going. It may sound strange but I think we ought to think rationally and ask ourselves, what is the purpose of our living? It had to be more than just go to work, take care of our family, and pay the bills. It’s awful important that we find the purpose that resonates with us because to some level, they can influence our behavior and shape our path. It helps us to refocus our priorities, put memories and events into perspectives. If you see, memories never fade. It is what kept us alive. Happy.

“When you dance, your purpose is not to get to a certain place on the floor. It’s to enjoy each step along the way.” ~Wayne Dyer